Box Lunch Forum, 10/9/09

Warning, this is a very long post. It is a copy of the speech I gave at the box lunch forum at the Taubman Museum of Art in Roanoke, VA on 10/9/09. I was asked to speak (for 45 minutes) of my experience as a blind artist. I spoke and projected 100 images of my artwork.

Speech, Taubman Museum of Art, October 9, 2009

Thank you for coming. Thinking of myself as a “blind artist” has put me in touch with my own history; and what a long stange trip it's been. ;) Though I didn't begin doing visual artwork until I was in my 40's; I feel that eveything that came before contributed in some way. But I'l try and limit it to the most germaine. ;)

A word about the artwork here. Some are old, some new, all were done in the last 15 years. Some are quick sketches. Many are not finished. Some are finished. I rarely remember to sign my work. There are some nudes.

Since this is blind and low vision month and I'm speaking as a “blind artist” I'll tell you about my vision and my artwork. “Blind Artist” I think it sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? Blind musician sure but blind visual artist? I'm definitely not alone in attempting visual art with low vision. There have been blind or low vision artists in history and if you google “blind artist” you'll see many blind or low vision artists working today.

I am very grateful to have the vision I do have, even though I know it is far less than most people's. I think there is a profound difference between having no sight and having low vision, between never having had vision and having little vision.

I am “legally blind” I have been since birth. I am an albino; my low vision is caused by the albinism. About 1 in 17,000 people have albinism; it's caused by a recessive gene that is inherited from both parents.

I have multiple eye problems, a few are astigmatism, myopia, extreme farsightedness, nastagmus, lazy eye and more. I have an article here that details the sight problems associated with albinism if you are interested.

At my birth, my parents were told that I was blind. They soon realized I had some sight and took me to eye doctors. At 18 months I started wearing thick, dark glasses. I had severely crossed eyes. At 8, I had an operation to improve my crossed eyes.

I use my left eye primarily, that's my better eye. My left eye is 20/200, my right eye is 20/400. So with my good eye, I see at 2' what a person with 20/20 vision sees at 20'.

My parents were told to raise me as a sighted child. That was OK in that I learned to get by, but my low vision did handicap me. It was confusing for me and for others. No one could tell what I might see and what I might not see. For many years I tried to “pass” as sighted. I wanted to be normal, like the other kids.

But I wasn't like the other kids, I looked very different, I didn't see well and they tormented me a lot. There are many social and emotional issues involved with looking different, with having albinism. The uniqueness of albinism often leads to separateness and isolation. Social attitudes towards albinos are similar to those experienced by other disability and minority groups. People, especially kids, will often make unwanted and unkind comments about different appearance. If your are curious about this I have an article here that speaks to the social and emotional aspects of albinism.

By and way, the TV show “20/20” just did an interesting show on people living with albinism. I saw it online.

Albinism has colored much of my life. Between my mother's discouragement of artistic pursuits and the energy it took just to try and fit in, it took me years to allow myself to do art. I've lived much of my life alone and I think the solitude helped to foster my artistic pursuits.

Only in the last few years have I been able to tell people that I have albinism, and that I'm legally blind. I was fiercely independent and have had to learn to ask for help when needed.

I've learned to cope with my low vision pretty well. I love the computer's ability to enlarge and I have a large screen monitor. I'm so grateful that I live in the information age and have a computer and Internet access. I use a special magnifying glasses for reading and I use binoculars for looking at things outside.

I don't drive. I have no depth perception; that really makes driving difficult. I also can't tell the difference between a shadow and a hole, nor can I read street signs. It's very inconvenient since I live in the country but it's OK. I'm grateful for friends who are willing to transport me. Some of my artist friends drove me here today.

Anyone who has seen me read has an idea of how blind I am. I printed these notes in a size I can read without putting the paper to my face. I normally read with the paper a few inches from my face. I am grateful that I can see to read.

My mother had a Calvinist upbringing, bless her heart, and she never encouraged any artistic pursuit. Artists to her were lowlife, the demi-monde and usually impoverished, not an acceptable career choice. However my father was artistic; he painted, he was a poet, a musician, a real bon vivant. I'm not sure how those two got together. It was wartime, stranger things happened. I certainly received mixed messages from them about the artist's life.

I don't remember when my appreciation for art began. It seems I've always had a love of all the art forms. I'm fascinated by what artists show us about our world. Art has shown me things I wouldn't otherwise see. For instance, with my low vision I don't see birds except as a dark blur. But because I've seen birds depicted in art I know what they look like.

But art can convey so much more. I love that art evokes an emotional response in the viewer. It focuses our attention, it moves the eye and the spirit. It shows more than what is seen on the surface. It can simplify a subject, it can elaborate on a theme, it can describe the microcosm, or the macrocosm.

Art shows us gesture and expression, it expresses a moment in time. Art has always interested and inspired me and allowed me to “see” despite my poor vision.

I was born and raised in Washington DC and was exposed to many of the arts. We went to concerts, plays, museums, parks, galleries.... My father's office was in the Capital building and I was allowed to explore downtown DC. I spent many, many happy hours looking at the art in our public buildings, the Capital, the Library of Congress, Foldgers Library, The Smithsonian, in all it's many permutations, the National Gallery of Art, the Corcoran, the Freer, the Frick, the National Portrait Gallery, Dunbarton Oaks, the parks, the list goes on and on. DC is a treasure trove of free art. I'm happy to have grown up there. Two of my earliest jobs were at the National Gallery of Art, and at the Corcoran.

I went to college although my low vision always made classes difficult. I studied dance and art history at U of MD. I envied the studio artists but I was too shy and intimidated to take studio art classes. I assumed that my limited vision prohibited me from being a visual artist. I took my artistic expression in dance.

I lived in DC and briefly in NYC. I was in the SF bay area in the late sixties. There was so much creativity happening there, it was exciting. I saw many artists, young and old working in many different media. I also felt very accepted there for the first time in my life. I had been born a freak of nature and had suffered from that. But being a freak in San Francisco in the late sixties was accepted as normal. It was the first time I considered I could do artwork too...but...

Then I got married, I had children, I moved to the country and practiced homesteading and country crafts. I made quilts, dolls, baskets, gardens. I raised sheep, sheared them, spun and dyed the wool and other fibers. I wove, knitted and crocheted. I feel that many of those crafts taught me a lot about art.

It wasn't until my children were grown and had left home that I started practicing visual art. I did have experience with being in the right brain, artistic mode through music, dance, meditation and practicing crafts. These gave me experience with working with composition, form, color, line, positive and negative space, etc.

I made my living as a tie-dye artist for fifteen years, it taught me a lot about color.

I did some silk painting, abstracts and landscapes mostly. I found silk painting an extremely demanding medium technically. The technical difficulty was off putting but the paintings were beautiful and I loved working with silk.

I've had very little formal art training. I imagine my approach to painting is similar to many artists; though every artist has their own way or seeing and creating.

We all know that there is a difference between looking and seeing. It's what you do with what you have. I've always felt that my visual limitations have forced me to be very observant, to pay attention to what visual cues I was getting, and to use all my other senses.

While I have difficulty seeing line or detail, I do have very good color sense and good light and dark perception. Much can be indicated without great detail. I have no depth perception because I primarily use my left eye. For me photographs have as much depth as reality.

I started sketching in earnest in the 80s, I enjoyed it very much. People were always my favorite subject. I think partly because drawing someone gives me license to look at them.

Having low vision I don't see many of the facial expressions that give us information about people. I know they exist. I see expression up close, in photography, and in art, but my inability to read them is a social handicap. However, drawing people is an opportunity to stare with impunity. :)

Soon after I began drawing on my own, I joined the Floyd Figures Art Group and I have been drawing with them almost every week since. We do a life drawing session every Wednesday afternoon, in Floyd.

We draw together in the Wintersun performance hall: we share the cost of the model and the room. We have drawn hundreds of people over the years. The models choose to wear clothing, or a costume or to be nude, however they are comfortable. The sessions are open to all. If you think you might like to draw with us, please take our card.

I do some abstracts, landscapes and stilllifes but people are endlessly fascinating and inspiring to me. The human form is an endlessly varied landscape. We can use the same words to describe a landscape or a person's body; bald, lush, bare, sparse, softened, bony, curvaceous, simple, complex, familiar and exotic, the spirit's home.

In these life drawing sessions I usually work in charcoal, pastels and pencils on colored paper. I try to “Plan and Work and Work the Plan” I begin by looking for what will make a good composition; the moving and repeating lines, the humanity and the expression of the face or the pose, the drape of the clothes, the gesture, what the pose may suggest, what might interest the viewer.

I also try for a composition that would make the piece work if it were purely abstract. The composition viewed upside down or sideways would still be interesting.

I think about what color of paper and pastels will work with the mood of the pose, or the coloring of the model or costume.

I plot out, measure, and design the page. I spend time getting the composition in my head and placed on the page. This is somewhat left brained work, plotting and measuring, and I think it's good to give my left brain something to do so it will be occupied and get out of the way of my right brain.

Once I've got the composition mapped out, I try to get a quick gesture down with the most significant lines placed.. Around this point my left brain stops chattering and wordlessness takes over. I enter the right brained, meditative, intuitive state.

As I work I try to retain the freshness of the original gesture drawing. I put down the broad strokes first, the darkest darks and lightest lights, then refine the work with gradations of color and tone. I use the color of the paper, usually in the mid tones.

As I work I find the lines in stages. I use what I know of the figure, combined with what I'm seeing of this persons uniqueness, with the foreshortening and the gesture. I try to draw what I see as opposed to any preconceived notion of how it should be.

I work the whole piece at once, keeping the overall gesture and the abstract quality. I allow myself to get lost in the work. Details around the focal point are usually left until near the end of the session.

As I work I imagine what might enhance the pose, what the context and background may be.

Sometimes I spend much of the time looking at the model, while my hand works “automatically” only glancing at the picture occasionally to make sure I'm in the correct place. By necessity, I have to work close to my paper but I'll often move back to get the overall picture. No matter what the lighting on the subject, I need stong light on the paper to see what I'm doing.

I call my method “finger painting” because I hold the pastel or pencil so that the end of the pastel is at my fingertips. I think my low vision is directly responsible for my use of my fingertips as much as possible. The brush feels like a distraction to me, I have to spend too much energy seeing where the end of the brush is, but I can feel where the ends of my fingers are. I'll often layer on colors and blend them, push them around, and soften edges with my fingertips. My fingertips are a direct sensitive extension of my eyes and brain.

I think of artwork as a problem solving and decision making process. Is that shape round or triangular? What are the colors in the shadows? What do I want to leave out or emphasize? It's a place where I have some control and there is no “wrong” outcome.

I love the process of creating, the satisfaction of problem solving, the challenges and happy surprises. In the drawing sessions, I enter that lovely right brained state of mind and the three hours pass quickly.

The piece may end up being what I had envisioned it to be or it may be not at all similar to it's beginning. Usually it's somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. Sometimes it's a happy surprise, occasionally a complete failure. Sometimes I erase whole sections or start over completely. I've learned it's good to just erase what I know is wrong, and take another shot at it. I'll be happier about it eventually.

Every piece of work is an exercise... flexing those art muscles. The outcome is secondary to the process. It's being in the creative mode that brings me back week after week.

I've learned a lot from watching other artists work, their process, their choices, their technique. During the model's breaks, I walk around and look at the other artists work. Occasionally someone will ask for or offer constructive criticism.

I often take digital photographs of my work as it progresses. The photos give me a different perspective. They teach me, in hindsight, about my work, it's strengths and weaknesses. I can see if and where I lost the spontaneity of the first gesture sketch I can see how I developed the piece, and what works and what doesn't.

At the end of our life drawing sessions, we put up our drawings for a few minutes of gentle critique. It's interesting to see what we each took from the model and how we interpreted what we saw. As a group, the Floyd Figures Art Goup, we have mounted several exhibits of our work.

I take my artwork home from the sessions and put them up on my walls. Favorites make themselves known to me and visitors comment on them.

Over time, looking at them, I figure out how I might finish them, what I can correct, or elaborate on, and what backgrounds might add to the compositions.

Occasionally I finish and frame pieces for showing. I've shown my figure work mostly in Floyd.

So while it may seem incongruous for a person of low vision to practice visual art, and I didn't make the attempt for a long time, I'm very glad that I have. I know that my low vision limits me but I don't think that should stop me from trying. Doing art has enriched my life enormously and I hope others have gotten something from my work.

Thank you for inviting me. It's a pleasure to be here. I'm happy to take your questions.

I finally saw a bear.

I was reading, 2am, cold night, curtains closed. I heard a ruckus out in the veggie garden. I knew it was a bear because the dogs were at the windows but silent. I turned off the light, pulled the curtain aside and there it was in the moonlight, nosing around the compost pile, knocking boards off the compost bin.

I watched for a couple of minutes, then went downstairs, got the camera and stepped outside. The bear ran, making yet another big hole in the deer fence. Boy can they move fast; I stayed next to the door. I didn't get any pictures, too dark and too far away. But I did see it!

That was a couple of weeks ago and have not seen or heard a bear since though there have been sightings in the neighborhood. I think it nice to know they are out there; I assume they are as scared of me as I am of them. Lions and coyotes and bears, oh my!

Facebook

Oh I admit it, I'm addicted to facecrack. If either of my loyal readers isn't my "friend" on fb, well let me lure you over to hours of wasted, uh fun, time. It seems I may only use this blog for ridiculously long posts. But I do post pictures and links and thoughts much more frequently on fb so......

another bear "sighting"

Monday, a week ago, a bear tore up a piece of the deer fence, ripping up some of the webbing and pulling over an 8' t-post. I didn't see it happen but because it pulled over a post and shredded the fence from the middle (as with it's claws), and since there have been several neighborhood bear sightings lately, I felt sure it was a bear.

Then, a week later, this past Monday, I'm pretty sure my dog Grace had a bear encounter. First, an aside about Grace. She is aptly named Goodness Gracious, she hears that a lot, along with scamp, rascal, diva, leader of the pack, clown, you get the idea. She is the most fun and most aggravating of my dogs. She is the smallest of my 5 poodles, she is the only "blond" she's always looking for fun, the first to shoot out the door, a real poser, usually fearless, very independent, smart and a smart a**. Here she is showing how big she is :).


So back to Monday and Grace's adventure. I let her out in the middle of the day. I watched her leap over the still torn up fence. About five minutes later, she comes roaring back at top speed and hits the door hard to be let in, totally unlike her. She ran frantically around the house, panting hard, a couple of times, totally unlike her. She collapsed on the floor in front of my chair, still panting hard, prostrate, and put her head on my foot as if for reassurance, again totally unlike her. I checked her over, found no visible wounds, but she continued to pant as if she'd been running for hours, not a few minutes; she lay prostate with wide eyes, tongue lolling. She recovered after about a half hour but kept very close by for a couple of days following, not leaving the yard or spending any more time outside than necessary, again very unlike her. A bear encounter? I think so especially from her behavior on Tuesday when.....

I was outside working in the garden. The dogs were all out, some free, some tied. The sun had just set, the sky a beautiful pink/grey/blue. All of a sudden came a loud, deep, guttural animal noise. It seemed to be coming from downhill on the far side of the driveway. I thought that it was a bear, having only heard them on film. Also because none of the dogs barked, they don't bark at things they are afraid of; when we saw a bear last year they didn't bark. Grace was one of the dogs tied out and she lay flat on the ground whimpering quietly, again very unlike her.

I quickly put the dogs in; they gladly ran straight for the house. The noise continued, loud, long, modulating. The dogs remained silent but alert.

The light was fading as I searched through binoculars and listened fascinated until the sound stopped. The area the sound came from is brushy with small trees and lots of blackberries, difficult to see into. I never saw the bear but I heard it for about fifteen minutes.

Later I googled bear sounds and was assured that was a bear I was listening to. I;m sorry I had nothing to record the sound. I felt fascinated, moved, respectful, privileged, a little scared. I do love living in the country, I do, I do! I'm glad that bears live among us!

Post Note: I just learned that another bear, a few days earlier, was killed about a mile away. The "hunter" took only the head.

Rain and Rainbows

My neighbor, Emily, took this great picture of my house at the end of a rainbow! Lest I forget.... I do feel blessed!

It's been raining a lot for a couple of months making planting tricky but possible and so far things are looking good out there. Raining so much even the dogs don't want to go out! But the forecast is for sun ......

progress

I thought I'd take a moment to celebrate having come to some milestones in my life. For some years I have worked on several projects that are coming to fruition.

I started building my home in 1998, getting it out of the ground and under roof and dried in by the end of that year. I have been slowly working on it ever since as time and money and energy allowed. While I may never completely finish it, I have come to a point I have been looking forward to for many years. I am putting trim on, giving the rooms a much more finished look.

On another important front, I have put as much ground under cultivation as I feel I need and want. I'm about through with busting sod. There's plenty of work to do on the land I have already claimed.

I have a warm, comfortable studio set up in my home that I can access most any time. Doing art work and playing music have become regular activities.

The dogs I raised from puppies are almost ready to breed. They are beautiful, intelligent and delightful dogs and I look forward to seeing their offspring.

There are many areas of my life that are a work in progress, as I hope it always will be. I am grateful to have come this far with some of the projects that have meaning for me. I can't even begin to express the significance of friends and family in my life. The material accomplishments pale in comparison.

My family is far flung and has had it's share of emotional distance. In the past year relationships have strengthened and improved, estrangements have been healed and I am hopeful of renewed love and increased contact.

If this is the accruing of the benefits of maturity, bring it on, I embrace it fully. I am more content in retirement than I can remember ever being before. Yes, there is still much that I can long for, much to do, much to look forward to, much to learn, much to share. I'm not done yet. Many tasks remain, projects are ongoing, relationships, houses, gardens, and dogs require maintenance. It is satisfying to take stock and realize that progress has been made. Onward.....

another animal sighting

This summer I saw the largest snake I've seen outside of captivity. One hot August day, I was walking from my garden to my back door, slightly uphill, when a flash of moving blue/black caught my eye. About ten feet in front of me was a LARGE Bull snake sliding across the grass of the lawn. I watched it pass in awe of it's size, maybe nine feet, it's beautiful shiny deep color, it's fluid motion. It stopped, stretched out in a long squiggle, and when it lifted it's head to look around, the head was about 18 inches off the ground. It moved toward my open kitchen window which is close to the ground on the outside. A snake had come in that window a few summers ago. I ran inside and closed the window. The snake stopped again under a tree near the house. Wanting it to move out of my yard, I started talking to it, tossing little pebbles near it. After a few minutes, the snake slowly moved off. I walked behind it, talking to it. I was saying how much I admired it's great beauty and how fortunate I felt to have seen it but that I really would prefer that it not live in or very close to my house, thanks. I've not seen it before or since but I have seen several snakes this summer, mostly in the garden.

Bear Sighting

I think I saw a bear. I saw something, with my poor vision, and I'm pretty sure it was a bear.

I was in the yard, beautiful sunny day. I had two dogs on tie-outs and Rosie, the alpha dog, loose. The dogs sounded a quick "There's something!" bark. I looked in the direction they were looking to the west, open field. Rosie, quick, was by my side in her guard stance and completely quiet. I saw a large, dark, rectangular bear? run across the far field in front of me from west to east It was moving fast and I didn't have time to go to the house for binoculars. I know it was too big for a dog, no long legs like a horse or deer, very dark color, moving like I've seen bears move. The dogs were very attentive and very quiet. They don't bark at things they don't want to mess with. So yes, I'm pretty sure that was a bear.

There have been many bear and other wildlife sightings this year. I can only assume it's because their habitat is being taken over by people. This bear was moving so fast I wonder if it was upset about something, dogs, people, vehicles? I now see three houses where there were none a couple of years ago. Where's a bear to go? I felt very blessed to see it. I do love livin' in the boonies, no joke.

more garden notes

Gardeners are the eternal optimists. Even when we know all the things that can go wrong, with hope and faith we approach this labor of love. Sometimes we are rewarded, sometimes not. Education, experience, luck, weather, water, attention, a higher power all take their part in this dance. The garden is a complicated world.

Outside the garden I feel almost powerless to have an impact. I only hope that by putting my energy toward what I know to be good for myself and the planet, my efforts will ripple out to others.

One of the great benefits of being at home has been the time spent in the garden. It was somewhat successful this year. I've been eating from it for months and have put up a goodly amount of fruits and vegetables, pesto and tomato sauce. I have a garden bed full of various greens which should go on until a hard freeze.

We may have a cold winter this year so says the old tale that a cold winter follows a good fruit year. It has been a wonderful fruit year, everything large and tasty. I'm just now putting up pears, apples are next. I may pot up and bring in some lovely pepper plants loaded with little peppers, along with some parsley and basil plants. An experiment, they may grow slowly in my garden room. Was just given some mango trees, now a foot tall. They and several other houseplants cry out to be repotted.

Looking forward to putting the garden to bed as soon as frost comes. I'll pant a large bed of garlic and one of strawberries. The rest will be put in winter rye as a green manure crop to be turned under next spring. And so it goes...

I do wish I'd taken pictures even with my %^&*()/ camera. In true gardener logic...there's always next year.

garden notes

A bit of background. Gardens have always been part of my life, from earliest memory. My mother, at 90, is still a wonderful gardener. A child of the depression, she grew and processed veggies from necessity. She quietly put up jars and jars of summer's bounty. Good home cookin' is one of my fondest childhood memories. She also built patios and retaining walls, terracing our back hillside, has always grown loads of trees, flowers, etc. When her new house was barely built, the gardens surrounding them looked like they'd been established for ten years. Her landscapes are lovely all year long. Mother gardens in Latin, her knowledge of plants extensive. On walks anywhere in nature she shares her knowledge and love of flora and fauna. My daughter shares her scientific curiosity. My trees, perennials, shrubs are direct descendants of hers.

So how could I not garden, I've got the gene. All my adult life I've lived in the country and had gardens large and small. I've been on my present property 10+ years more or less. (I was on the road a lot until a few years ago.) When we bought the land in '95 there were no trees; it had been summer pasture for cattle for about 50 years. Where I garden is an upland saddle, high, wide, with deep meadow sod. In the time we've been here it's been wonderful to watch the progression of reforestation.


After years of frustration from feeding the deer, I fenced with 8' deer "invisible" fence. It works great and really is very see-through. I first fenced a quarter acre vegetable garden. I then enclosed the house, shed, gardens, yard and some meadow in a 2+ acre invisible fence. I love it, I can now grow flowers, fruit and trees all around. The deer stroll past just outside the fence. The dogs announce them and watch them go by. The deer seem to have respect for the fence. The dogs don't but that's another story.

Post note. When I learn how to do it properly, I'll post some pictures though I'll make excuses in advance for my $%^&* camera. Post post notes. So here's a couple of old pictures. The first two taken in the front yard, the last at the pond.